Episode 132: Disconnect To Connect: Tap Into The Power Within You To Create The Life You Desire
Amy Vetter reads from her new book, Disconnect to Connect: Tap Into the Power Within You to Create the Life You Desire. For the Official Audiobook release, Amy has a free gift to listeners of the first chapter.
Have you found yourself receiving similar feedback in each job you have? With each boss you report to? With friends? With those you love? It is human nature that when we are unhappy with an outcome, we blame the outside world for the circumstances. Check out this great listen!
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Disconnect To Connect: Tap Into The Power Within You To Create The Life You Desire
I am so excited to announce that the audiobook was released on August 15th, 2023 of my book, Disconnect to Connect: Tap into the Power Within You to Create the Life You Desire. I am so honored that all of you have gone on this journey with me of the B3 Method, Business, Balance, and Bliss. I considered this book a prequel to Business, Balance, and Bliss even though it's coming out almost six years after that initial book launch. Many times, I got asked the question, "How did you get the work-life harmony? What created the Business, Balance, and Bliss Method?"
This book is the story of how I did get there and how I started creating this methodology so that I could help others as well. It is a personal story. It is my trials, tribulations, and achievements in life and lessons I've learned through all the gurus and teachers around me, whether that be people that meant to be a teacher or people that I watched from the sidelines of examples of people that I wanted to be one day or incorporate traits of those people into my life because I found them so important.
In this book, I explain that journey. I'm very vulnerable and open. Part of that vulnerability and openness is that I am going to share with you for free on this episode the intro chapter to this book so that you get a feel for what this book is about and what to expect when you go on this journey. I couldn't have imagined after people read the book, and we launched the book in April 2023, how many people were so open with me about their stories, what they have gone through, and what they are going through because of reading this book and understanding my story as well.
The purpose of this book was so we could be more open, transparent, and authentic with one another to connect better. That is the whole understanding of the title, Disconnect to Connect. We have to disconnect from all the pressures around us to connect to ourselves. Throughout life, we have things that happen to us that we cannot control, but what we can control is how we respond to it. In that response, sometimes we have to take a very deep awareness of ourselves.
That self-awareness journey is so important to get to business, balance, and bliss. To create work-life harmony, we have to do that hard work. Sometimes we resist that hard work because we're not ready for it, and that's okay. This is about where you are on your journey and what's accessible for you. Maybe none of this is accessible, but maybe some of it is. Maybe you're open to what this might bring to your life when you start becoming more vulnerable as well and more open to the stories that you have.
The reason I created this show in the first place was so that you could learn not only from me but from all of my guests about the journey that they have been on, the trials and tribulations they have gone through, and their life stories. We have learned so many amazing stories on this show. I learned so much from each guest. Each person has a unique story. They have something to share that we can learn from.
I received so many personal emails, direct messages, and texts after people read this book. People were so open about their stories. The most important thing was learning about my story opened them up to be able to share theirs and maybe recognize some things that they didn't even realize were beliefs that were created from somewhere, either from past generations, their family, coworkers, prior bosses, or whatever that is. These things happen all the time without us even realizing it.
This book is to take you down that journey so that you can recognize the beliefs that aren't aligned with who you are that you are following because that is the pattern you've always had. That is the habit that you've always had and you haven't ever stepped back to assess it. One of the things that has been amazing to me is when people have opened up to me after this book, they have told me about their stories of going to a therapist. They have also told me, "I haven't gone to a therapist. After reading this, I made my appointment for Monday."
There is no better compliment to me with this work that someone took that initiative and ownership of themselves because when we take ownership of ourselves, we show up better for the people around us. Another thing that I've heard from people as they have read this book, and I've had many leaders read this book, is they come back to me and say, "I am buying this book for all of my team members because it's so important that we start sharing the exercises and activities in this book so that we can go on this journey together and make the culture better in our workplace."
Disconnect To Connect: When we take ownership of ourselves, we show up better for the people around us.
I've had leaders bring me in, speak, and do workshops because they want to train that next level of leadership to think about leadership in another way. In this book, I talk about becoming a connected leader. Becoming a connected leader is nurturing people in ways that maybe we weren't taught to do. In my generation, many leaders said to me, "You always keep a line between the people that report to you because you never know when you have to give hard feedback."
Feedback is something that, if we're building a safe and nurturing relationship as a leader, should be given all of the time, good and bad. When people know they're safe and that you care, feedback isn't something that we have to create this divide between us. It's so that we can help someone be able to get to their next best self. Enabling them to get better and get aware of the behaviors and the way to show up to reach the goals that they have allows us to be able to reach our next goal.
I have also heard many people say, "I don't read books. I've never read a full book if I do start a book. I read this in one sitting because it captured me. It brought me in to think about myself and do the self-work." I've also heard people say that they have read the book multiple times. The first time they read it, they read it to get the stories and the lessons down. They went back, did the exercises, and took time to do all of the work that's in this book.
There are sections in this book so you can apply this to your life. You can work through the belief systems or habits that you might have learned and how we go about unlearning them, and how we get into a space where we can be more mindful of the people around us but also the work we need to do to get present each day. One of the things that I heard as well was, "I understand some of the lessons you've been trying to teach us all of these years by understanding that backstory and what it took to get to this place. Everybody has a story, but the stories with context make a little more sense."
I want you to think about that as you read this book. Take some quiet time for yourself. This is why I've created the audiobook because some people do not necessarily like to read books. They like to listen to books. Whatever time you take to do this, don't feel like it's selfish. It's the biggest gift that you can give to someone else when you take the time to self-assess and work on yourself so that you can show up better for the people around you. There's never a time we're done.
We might come into big epiphanies here and there in our life, but then there are small ones that happen each day or each week. When we choose to be aware of them, we can keep getting better in our lives. There's no way that there's a quick fix because there are things that come that are unexpected, no matter how much we try to control our lives. It's impossible because there are things we cannot control, but in this book, what I hope is that you will find some tools and techniques that you can practice. Practicing is so important because if you want to build muscle or go on a diet, it takes repetition, commitment, and intention. This is about intention.
We want to be able to create the life that we desire, not what someone else tells us to be or how to be. We are showing up in this world, no matter where we are, whether at work or home, in an authentic way. We are the same person wherever we are. The people feel like they know us. They respect that we are open, vulnerable, and authentic. We're showing up in ways to not only serve others but to feel better on a daily basis because we choose to do the work.
I hope that you enjoy this free intro to the audiobook and are able to then go on this journey either deciding to get the paper book, get it on your Kindle reader as well, or listen to it. Take that time of self-reflection to go on this business, balance, and bliss journey to maintain the bliss and joy that you want each day so that you can be better for those around you as well.
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Disconnect To Connect Audiobook
Disconnect to Connect: Tap into the Power Within You to Create the Life You Desire by me, Amy Vetter. I want to thank you for coming on this journey with me and purchasing this book. If you're following along with this book, you may hear me ad-lib at times because there are certain things in this book that I want to emphasize and tell you why I wrote what I wrote. That is the bonus of you being a part of this journey with me and reading the book.
Disconnect to Connect: Tap into the Power Within You to Create the Life You Desire
This book is dedicated to my sons, Jagger and Austin. My life and my journey are dedicated to both of you. A letter to all of you before we begin. Thank you for choosing to go on this journey with me. Before we begin, I want to share why I wrote this book so you can put it into perspective as you read the stories and the lessons. I began to see a therapist when I was 32 years old. At the time, I had no idea how many layers I had built up inside to avoid the pain that I carried. I was aware that I felt off, but I didn't know why. However, once I began the process, the layers were gradually peeled off. I had to step back and view my life from a different perspective.
During my therapy, I was going almost three hours at a time every week to make sense of what felt like mud. I felt stuck but there was no way around it so I had to keep going if I was going to make a change for myself. Once I got to the other side of this intense therapy, my therapist suggested that I write a book and share these stories. He felt that too many people struggle with similar stories in their life and do not realize how others work through them.
We don't always realize how others are doing internally because that is not what they expose to the world. We have been taught to show up with a smile and keep everything inside but this ends up leaving us stuck and unable to help our friends, families, and work colleagues in the way we need to in order to make it a productive day. For thirteen years, I made notes of my stories in hopes that I could have the courage and share them one day. It has taken that long to bring this book to life. Some of these stories I share are hard to relive, but they may unlock your internal stories.
I have tried to be vulnerable as possible in this book and share what I feel will help others. Although some details are admitted for privacy purposes, these stories I am sharing are to help you identify and unlock the stories of your journey that you may be holding inside. It's possible that like me, maybe you didn't realize what has been a barrier in your work or personal life. These stories I share about myself are designed to help you brainstorm your stories as you read them and use them to aid in your growth. In turn, hopefully, you will realize you are not alone, and that it is possible to find your path to recovery and growth.
I want to emphasize this. I am not a therapist. These are the perspectives, research, and learning I have found along my life journey. My choices are my own. They are not for everyone and they have been very hard. It's up to you to determine your path to healing. Find the solutions that work best for you and don't put a timeline on them. No one can measure pain or trauma or compare one person's experience to another and make sound judgments about whether one is worse than another. We all experience things differently. We need to honor what we feel and not compare ourselves to someone else. Each person matters. You matter.
Take what I share as a brainstorming exercise and choose how it relates to you or not. If a story or a lesson doesn't resonate, then let it go. If you feel off or need someone to talk to, it's wise to hire a therapist. If the stories here unlock your own, speaking with an independent third party and a medical professional is the responsible decision. Each of our journeys is unique. Understand that while I provide some methods to heal from my experiences and research, they may not always work for you and you may find your strategies that resonate better. I'd love to hear about them.
Awareness is the true gift I have received from my path. I am aware of how I feel internally and can analyze it and then decide how to respond. There is no quick fix and life happens. We may figure one thing out and then get another unexpected twist along the way and have to pause, pivot, and decide how to respond again. Also, these stories are from my perspective, perception, and interpretation. They are about how my experiences affected my life and the people around me.
What is true in life is that each person has their version of the same story. Everyone I mentioned may or may not agree with my perspective. However, these stories are from my vantage point and are what I alone experienced. When we are children, we have limited perspectives that would allow us to recognize that something is wrong. The only reality we know is what has occurred in that brief timeframe. We may feel stressed internally or display outward behaviors that show we unconsciously know something is wrong. However, as adults, we have the opportunity if we choose to review our past and have a different perspective with more life experience under our belt.
Disconnect To Connect: What is true in life is that each person has their version of the same story.
I realized during therapy that even though I was an adult, I still thought of memories from a sixteen-year-old viewpoint rather than from the perspective of an adult woman, mother, and professional. Once I began a career and started a family, I saw everything differently. I realized that the reality I had known didn't feel right anymore. When we notice this, it is our choice to allow it to surface, decipher it, and then decide how it will affect our future.
Rather than letting the past control us, we have the power to create change in our lives. The hard choices come along because we can no longer pretend that we don't understand the need to change. We choose whether we disconnect from our internal stories, behaviors, patterns, and habits and decide instead to connect to this new awareness to continue to grow to better ourselves and those around us with no excuses or blame, just love.
Introduction: A Brief History
Introduction. A brief history. We all have our stories. We can often use those backstories as the reason we react to different situations the way we do. I have found in my life that stories have been used by my family members as their reason for why they behaved in a certain way toward me or someone else rather than taking personal responsibility for how they affected the people around them. Those stories that were told to me began with the stories of my grandparents.
My grandma from Minnesota was supposedly one of the most beautiful women in her community. At least that's what I've heard from my mom and her friends. At my grandma's funeral, I remember how many people made a point to tell me what a beauty she was. For as long as I can remember, it is also what my mom never stopped talking about. My grandma was a Russian immigrant. She didn't marry until her late 30s and later divorced in her 40s, which was uncommon at that time.
Once my grandparents divorced, my mom told me that my grandma favored my uncle, and my grandfather preferred my mom. From the stories I've been told, I made my assumption that my grandma felt jealous of my mom's relationship with my grandfather. The one thing that both my grandparents agreed upon was how proud they were of my mom's talent for playing the piano. As a child, she practiced a minimum of three hours a day. She won state championships for the piano multiple times and soloed with the Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra as a teenager.
As a little girl, some of my most poignant memories were the few times my mom sat down at the piano and played. I would lie on the carpeted floor, close my eyes, and let the music fill me up. When I opened my eyes, I watched my mom's body fully get into the music and sway to the softness or loudness of the music. I still tear up when I hear the piano piece Clair de Lune as I remember her playing it with such passion and feeling.
My mom's relationship with my grandmother was full of turmoil. There was a significant focus on being beautiful rather than on talent. My mom believed that my grandmother never thought that she, her daughter, was attractive enough. My grandma put my mom in multiple beauty pageants, and because of my mom's piano talent and good looks, she often did well in those competitions. My grandma had my mom stay home from school on a few sunny days so she could suntan because according to my grandma, she looked prettier when tan. My grandma even put a timer outside so my mom could flip over at regular intervals to even her tan.
With her negative experiences when she was young, my mom reinforced that I should never rely on my appearance. She didn't allow me to do the "girl" activities like cheerleading and dance that I asked to do because in her mind, you were celebrating someone else's accomplishments and not your own, or she felt I wouldn't be naturally good enough.
By the time my mom went to college, she and my grandma were no longer on speaking terms because my mom was the unlucky one who answered the phone when my grandma's brother called one morning. Apparently, my grandma was angry with her brother and wasn't speaking to him at the time. However, on that particular morning, he was driving to California to visit his first grandchild and had called my grandma so he could say goodbye and tell her he loved her. My mom answered the phone and asked my grandma to speak to him but my grandma refused. He told my mom to let my grandma know he loved her and then he left for California.
Tragically, my grandma's brother and his wife were killed in a car accident on their way to visit their daughter's new family. My grandma was never the same and she never forgave my mom for being the last one to talk with him. With this experience and the double whammy of my mom being my grandfather's favorite, their relationship didn't have much of a chance. When my mom went to college, she and my grandma would pass each other in the house and never speak. My mom eventually moved into her sorority house on campus so she could have a place where she felt she belonged.
One of my strongest memories of their strained relationship was when my grandma was dying. I was in eighth grade. I remember being alone with my grandma in the hospital lobby while we sat waiting for my mom to come in from the parking lot. My grandma looked over at me as I was watching my mom through the windows and she watched with disgust as my mom walked in. My grandma turned to me and said, "You think your mom is so special, don't you?" I answered, "I do." My grandma turned her head in disappointment. At that moment, I felt proud I had defended my mom even though I loved my grandma and didn't want to disappoint her.
I also have memories of how messy my grandma was. She never put away her clothes. On many mornings, did not bother doing her hair or makeup. When she did apply her makeup, it was often crooked and messed up because her hands and face trembled from a disease she had contracted as a child. Her nails were usually dirty from the hours that she spent gardening but the cool thing about my grandmother is that she didn't care. She saw herself as beautiful up until her last breath.
Disconnect To Connect: The cool thing about my grandmother is that she didn't care. She saw herself as beautiful up until her last breath.
I had seen pictures of my grandma when she was younger and she was a glamorous-looking woman but I never saw her beauty from the same vantage point as my mom who had to live up to "legend beauty status." Maybe it was because I saw her being mean to my mom and I was protective. I didn't understand the hype or the pressure to look like her. I thought my mom was one of the most beautiful women I knew. I was constantly trying to see why my mom thought she wasn't as attractive as my grandma but I never truly understood.
This relationship between my grandma and my mom had an immense impact on my mom, not only in the way she placed importance on beauty for herself and those around her but also because my grandma was unkempt. My mom ended up the complete opposite. She tried to control life by being hyper-focused on cleanliness and planning out every minute of the day.
As my mom aged, this became a stronger trait. If you deviated from the way she wanted things, you would quickly see you were disappointing her. From the time I was twelve, I was responsible for cleaning my parents' bedroom and bathroom. My mom always inspected my work. When I was finished, she would point out what I missed and what I needed to redo. If she caught a smear on the mirror or I forgot to clean something in the grout between the bathroom tiles, I had to start all over.
There was my dad's side and his mom, my grandma from Arizona who created trauma for my father. She was not a part of my life as I only met her once. From everything I have heard about her, she apparently was an awful person. She was so bad that when my parents were preparing to marry, their family doctor privately gave both of them Valium to survive her wrath during the wedding so that they could get through it.
I was told she even made my mom's father, my grandfather, cry once because she was so mean to him. When my mom was first married to my father, she couldn't get an appointment with any local beauty salons when she told them her new married last name. The name was on a list of clients they would not do business with. My mom had to sneak in using her maiden name.
My most vivid memory of my paternal grandmother is when my parents were in divorce proceedings when I was sixteen. She called me one day after school. I picked up the phone. I remember sitting on the bed. All she said was, "You ask your mom how it feels to know that you and your brothers are no longer in my will," and then she hung up. No, "Hello. Goodbye."
My parents met in college on a blind date. By both of their accounts, it was the first time they had another person in their life who cared about them and truly loved them. I believe that they were happy for many years. However, my brothers and I never had parents who were whole from an emotional perspective and ready to be selfless because they had never worked on the trauma they endured with their parents. Our parents could not put us before their emotional needs and the internal demons they suffered because of their parents.
I loved my parents very much and they were my entire focus even above myself when I was growing up. I wanted them to be happy. I didn't want them to suffer from their past experiences. The need to understand our internal stories. You may be wondering how I know all of my parents' backstories. It's because I was the confidant of both of my parents from an early age. They shared their stories with me and eventually their feelings about one another.
At the time, I felt fortunate to be the child who knew everything. I know now that I knew too much and it did shape me as a person. I felt responsible for them and needed to be their protector. Each would be jealous of my relationship with the other and wanted reassurance that I was closer to one or the other as I grew older. Even when their behavior was terrible toward me, I gave them excuses. I held the "honor" of knowing their past stories. It was my responsibility not to take their treatment of me but instead protect them.
As we become adults, these internal stories create the excuses that we use for our behavior when we act inappropriately. This behavior can range from minor things we do each day to more significant issues that show up in our lives. From the work that I have done personally as well as accounts from others I have either known or read about, I've learned that we each have the power to break the patterns from past generations and choose to design the future we desire.
Beyond bringing these internal stories and habits into our personal lives, we can often carry them unintentionally into the workplace. In times of change, whether in our personal or business lives, we can feel alone and create unnecessary fear based on our past stories, rather than stepping back and creating space for how we think and how to intentionally move forward positively.
Brainstorming Your Own Stories: Become A Connected Leader
That is the purpose of this book. It's to share stories of my journey and those of others as well as research I have found along the way to help you uncover your stories. I want to pause here and emphasize this. I don't want you to get so lost in my stories that you're not brainstorming your own. I've been very careful of how I've curated my stories so that it can allow enough brainstorming for you to be able to unlock what you need to unlock in your life. Doing this work cannot only help us to become better individuals at home and personally but also benefit our leadership abilities in the workplace and help us become better colleagues to others.
In the business world, I have seen leaders spend more time focusing on change management and the future of work instead of creating stronger human connections to ensure everyone knows they are supported and not alone during the change process. This is the goal of what I call a connected leader. A connected leader has authentic compassion and empathy for the people around them and creates a safe and nurturing environment so each person can be at their best. This allows people to show up as they are and have the support they need to improve themselves and observe the patterns and habits that might be holding them back based on their past stories.
By doing the work to understand what drives our behaviors, we are better able to lead others with compassion. My first interaction with a connected leader occurred when I was in junior high and playing the violin. I often felt alone and nervous when I was preparing for an upcoming orchestra audition. I questioned my ability to do well and felt vulnerable, anticipating going before the judges. In those moments, my violin teacher would say in his Russian accent, "If you're no good, I'm no good. That's the way it is." This assured me that I wasn't alone and that we were a team. He met me where I was at, understood my fear, and walked alongside me so I could achieve the outcome I wanted.
Over the years of consulting with business professionals, I have found that what gets in the way of progress and change management is not necessarily learning new business processes or technology. Rather, people's individual patterns and internal stories get stuck in their heads, which drives the fear of the unknown. This fear causes people to doubt their ability to excel in an evolving environment. As a result, they resist making the necessary changes.
We often forget that each person carries their internalized stories throughout the day. When we realize this as leaders or coworkers, we can be more mindful about how we show up, take responsibility, and pivot to nurture the people around us so no one feels alone. As connected leaders, we can make a choice to create a safe and nurturing environment and a supportive culture to embrace opportunities, one employee at a time. That not only benefits the business but also creates more fulfillment in our jobs and builds stronger human connections, whether at home or in the workplace.
It is up to us whether we choose to take the journey and create more awareness for ourselves so we can continue to learn, grow, and be intentional about the future we want to make for ourselves and those around us. The goal of this book is to show you the power of creating your belief systems rather than allowing your internal backstories to create them by sharing my journey of how I discovered my voice for telling my story and relaying the advice and wisdom from other luminaries in the business and wellness worlds that have also traveled the same path.
Disconnect To Connect: The goal of this book is to show you the power of creating your belief systems rather than allowing your internal backstories to create them.
I describe methods I've used to show me when I'm off internally rather than blaming circumstances outside of my control. The journey is about awareness, discovering a better understanding of where we came from and who we are, and best of all, using that awareness to transform into the person we want to be. At the end of each chapter, I've included the following.
You will see a B3 break box. That provides a reminder of how to apply my Business, Balance, and Bliss approach by practicing some of the tools or exercises I provide in each chapter. You have the option to make notes and record your thoughts in real-time at the end of each chapter and how you may implement new practices or approaches for yourself or the people around you from the stories and research that you read.
You will also see a Breaking Beliefs show spotlight. This segment features advice from business leaders and wellness experts that I've interviewed on my show. These excerpts come from full interviews on the show with links to the entire conversation if you want to hear more about their story. There's a recap of the main points, which I call Mindful Moments at the end of each chapter. Take some time to pause and consider these lessons before you move to the next chapter.
Ask yourself the following, "How can I incorporate one or more of these ideas into my life? What kind of support from possible outside experts such as therapists, business coaches, friends, family, and other trusted advisors could help me navigate and practice this? Which of the suggestions can help me disconnect so I can reconnect to myself and the people around me in a positive way to create the energy and life I desire?"
We all play a part in others' lives in some way. As sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, spouses, business leaders, friends, coworkers, and citizens, we have so many roles to play but how well we do that begins with knowing ourselves so we can be there for others, and that begins with uncovering our stories.
Disconnect To Connect: We have so many roles to play but how well we do that begins with knowing ourselves so we can be there for others, and that begins with uncovering our stories.
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I hope you enjoyed this episode. It was my pleasure to be able to offer you the beginning of this audiobook, Disconnect to Connect. For those of you that want to continue on this journey, you can go to AmyVetter.com/books and find the Disconnect to Connect book there with all the links to where you can find the book. You can also find it on Audible by searching for Disconnect to Connect. The book itself is on Amazon, where you can find it there and read the many reviews we have gotten.
I would love your reviews if you have read the book. It's so helpful for others to see how you benefited from the book and what it meant to you. If you feel inclined, I would love to have your review. We feature that on our social media as well. It would be great for you to read the book because we will be recording soon some book club episodes.
We will be going along with you as you read and dive deep into some of these chapters of the book so that you can get more benefit from the work that you are doing to disconnect to connect and tap into that power within you to create the life you desire. Thank you so much for your support. If this episode or any of my episodes are useful to you, please share them with others so that we all can benefit and create better energy for those around us.
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